Mitch Hedberg Quotes (121 Quotes)

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches All-encompassingly...

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under D.'

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What'. But really it's just some insignificant sht that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sht you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.

Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks I'm for them.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

My roommate says, I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad a turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastromi,.Some one needs to tell the turkey, man, just be yourself.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work.'

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said Where do you see yourself in five years and i said Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...

I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, Please try again. because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... Come on Mitchell, don't give up An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

My friend said to me, You know what I like Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I was walking by a drycleaner at 3a. m. and there was a sign that said Sorry, we're closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3a. m. and your a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna come by at 10 and say, hey I was here at 3a. m and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.

Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.