All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?Mitch Hedberg
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.
Mitch Hedberg
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
Mitch Hedberg
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What'. But really it's just some insignificant sht that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
Mitch Hedberg
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Based on Keywords: pre-approvedWhen terrorists attacked the symbols of our national unity and strength, they failed to realize that they were just symbols of our strength. The real strength of our nation comes from our people - not our buildings.
Michael Enzi
I was told I had an overabundance of original sin.
Susan Sarandon
He was a manager, one of the singers, I guess talent coordinator for the local talent in Harlem. His name was Lover Patterson. He was living right across the street from where my dad had his restaurant. I guess he saw a lot of kids come in, a lot of my buddies.
Ben E. King