My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.
I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -Sorry, We're Closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.
I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
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A girl's got to do what she's got to do to make somebody pay her a compliment. If that means moaning 'til the cows come home, then so be it.
I have made it a rule for a long time, not to part with the copyright of my drawings, for I have been so copied, my drawings reproduced and sold for advertisements and done in ways I hate.
After all, we are not children. It's time we planned our life.