Mitch Hedberg Quotes (121 Quotes)


    I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...

    Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand They'll think you're cocky. 'Look what I got... This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick somethin' up.'

    If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

    You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

    My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?


    I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

    I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

    I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

    Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

    My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'

    My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.

    I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

    I went to the store to bye a candle holder. They didn't have one so I got a cake.

    One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, 'Here's a picture of me when I was younger.' Every picture is of you when you were younger. 'Here's a picture of me when I'm older.' 'You son of bit, how'd you pull that off Let me see that camera. What's it look like'

    I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -Sorry, We're Closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.

    I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others.

    I get the Reese's candy bar, If you read it, there's an apostrophe. The candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time your eating a Reese's and some guy named Reese comes up to you and says let me have that. You better give it to him. I'm sorry Reece, I didn't think I would ever run into you.

    Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, 'Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.'

    I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

    I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

    I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

    I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

    I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said Fk it. Cut 'em up.

    I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    I sick of soup of the day it's time we made a decision, i want to know what soup from now on is

    I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

    My friend was walking down the street and he said, I hear music. As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.

    I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

    That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

    Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

    It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky...

    Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

    I like to close my eyes on the stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

    At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.

    If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

    A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

    My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

    I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

    If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

    COME ON YOU'RE FROM THE SOUTH YOU UNDERSTAND, I MEAN I'M IN THE STH I WANT SOME SP

    ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

    A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

    I had an apartment and I had a neighbor, and whenever he would knock on my wall I knew he wanted me to turn my music down and that made me angry 'cause I like loud music... so when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say Go around I cannot

    Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

    So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

    Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

    I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

    I mumble a lot when im off stage, so a lot of times when im with a friend i'll say something and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll be like what, and i'll say it again and he'll still be like what, so now he's got me yellin. Man that tree is far away

    Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.


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