If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
Y'know I order a club sandwhich all the time. And I'm not even a member. I don't know how I get away with it. I like my sanwhiches witth three peices of bread. So do I. Lets form a club. Okay, but we're gonna need more stipulation. Yes we do. Instead of cutting it once, lets cut it again. Yeah, four triangles. And we shall dump chips in the middle. Let me ask you something, how do you feel about frilly toothpicks I'm for them.Mitch Hedberg
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Mitch Hedberg
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
Mitch Hedberg
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Mitch Hedberg
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When you're at the end of your rope, all you have to do is make one foot move out in front of the other. Just take the next step. That's all there is to it.
Samuel Fuller
Motivations are too tangled and complex.
Russell Banks