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Groucho Marx Quotes (136 Quotes)


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  • I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.
    (Groucho Marx)


  • Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
    (Groucho Marx)

  • When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in The Country Girl, ... Dear Judy, this is the biggest robbery since Brinks.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.
    (Groucho Marx)

  • Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
    (Groucho Marx)


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