Groucho Marx Quotes (136 Quotes)


    I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

    I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

    Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

    I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

    Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.


    Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

    When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in The Country Girl, ... Dear Judy, this is the biggest robbery since Brinks.

    Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

    There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

    As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

    A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

    Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

    In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

    Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

    Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

    I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

    A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

    I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.


    One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

    I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

    I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

    I never forget a face but in your case, Ill make an exception.


    I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.


    Whoever named necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

    I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

    I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure

    I cannot say that I do not disagree wtih you.


    More Groucho Marx Quotations (Based on Topics)


    Woman - Books - Man - Mind - Horse - Friendship - Life - Dogs - Money & Wealth - Politics - People - Faces - Running - Marriage - Countries - Home - Time - Art - Honor - View All Groucho Marx Quotations

    Related Authors


    Tina Fey - Tim Allen - Jim Carrey - Jerry Seinfeld - Steven Wright - Rowan Atkinson - Johnny Carson - Jennifer Saunders - Chevy Chase - Bill Cosby


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