Mitch Hedberg Quotes (121 Quotes)


    Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

    Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

    Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

    Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made 3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had 3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.


    I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

    I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.

    Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.

    Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss

    I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation Zipper it up really quick.

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

    I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.

    I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late.

    I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

    It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

    I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

    If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

    I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

    I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight Then he said How many of you feel like animals And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

    Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!


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