Chris Rock Quotes (54 Quotes)


    It's not like I'm at the guy's house, ... You buy a house in L.A. and the seller goes, Sophia Loren used to live here.' But they don't do that with time slots, do they

    You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

    A man is only as faithful as his options.

    Do you know what the good side of crack is If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for 1.50. You can furnish your whole house for 10.95.

    It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.


    Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

    It's a lot of pressure. I'm very glad I'm not getting ready right now. This time last year, I was losing my mind.

    Well, now's the time for you to do something for them. Do it for the children who have been left without parents, for the sick that have been left without medicine, and for the families left without a place in the world to call home.

    Black people dominate sports in the United States. 20% of the population and 90% of the final four.

    Richard Pryor was the Rosa Parks of comedy. He took risks and chances that made it possible for a whole generation of comics to exist. No one ever rocked the mike like Richard Pryor.

    All I can say is, I hope that everyone sends as much money as they humanly can to the United States Red Cross. We're rebuilding Iraq right now. I don't know if four guys with box cutters are ever going to fly a plane into a building again, probably not. But I do know that if we don't take care of these millions of people, America will be destroyed.


    Before I was a comedian, I thought the coolest thing that would happen to me was to be a teenager, ... Boy, was I wrong.

    There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

    Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

    I think I'd be too hard on a boy -- every day, trying to make him a man, getting him ready for white people, ... Girls don't punch each other in the face. Girls are pretty nice to each other, even, like, on a grassroots level.

    I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me'

    These people depend on public transportation, and these people can't afford a nice hotel, because some of them work there. Now it's your chance to help them.

    And Nirs, take credit for things you're supposed to do. Things any other guy would normally do. Proudly I take care of my kids... Thats what you're supposed to do

    Relax, you only have to be nice to black people for two more hours.

    You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy,the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the Americas Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesnt want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon.

    Ask Chris Rock how he discovered the young actor who would play him at age 13 for his new sitcom, Everybody Hates Chris, ... I was at Michael Jackson's house, leaving - I'm in the driveway and this kid runs out 'Wait Save me'

    It was way ahead of its time. It's like this black guy with a bunch of money. He's funny, and he never lost his money. He was always a great businessman. I love that show.

    I kind of wanted to give him that James Evans nobility, ... With the exception of 'The Cosby Show,' every black father I see on TV, they're not really masculine. They're like these theater-type guys -- not gay, not straight, just theater.

    Much like rock 'n' roll, school shootings were invented by the black man and stolen by the whites,

    Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.

    It's the worst disaster we'll ever see, ... I'm here to use whatever celebrity I have to help bring attention.

    School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.


    I grew up in a very loving two-parent household in the middle of one of the worst ghettos in New York City, ... I didn't know I lived in the ghetto until I was like 20, 19. I came to LA with Eddie Murphy and stayed at hotels and all this stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared. I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and had crack heads.

    If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.


    I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

    Don't argue You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a arguement. It's impossble you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing cause we have a need to make sense

    Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

    I should see every script, I should make my comments and approve of jokes. I can't cringe at a show that's got my name on it.

    There are people who would like to get rid of minimum wage. But we have to have it, because if we didn't some people would not get paid money. They would work all week for two loaves of bread and some Spam.

    Not everyone can jump in their SUV's and go check into a nice hotel. Those people depend on public transportation... Now it's the time to do something for them.


    Welcome to the 77th and last Oscars.

    I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

    Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!


    I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

    I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads, ... I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to (Los Angeles), stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.

    I'll do whatever the network will let me do, ... If they let me use the F-word, I'll use that, too.

    It was mostly Italians and Irish, ... They would beat me and the Jews up.

    I think every fat comedian owes him 80 bucks that's working today.

    Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

    Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.


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