On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -Sorry, We're Closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.Mitch Hedberg
My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
Mitch Hedberg
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg
Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Mitch Hedberg
I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight Then he said How many of you feel like animals And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
Mitch Hedberg
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg
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Based on Topics: Hell QuotesBeing is. Being is in-itself. Being is what it is.
Jean-Paul Sartre
I believe the public's confidence would be increased if the federal government took over the functions of airport security screening for all passengers.
David Neeleman
When an actor has money, he doesn't send letters, but telegrams.
Charlotte Whitton