I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said How many of you people feel like human beings tonight Then he said How many of you feel like animals And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here', but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really'. But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out, so I wrote 'I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of sht you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' I know this letter took a harsh turn right away.Mitch Hedberg
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg
Kinko's is my favourite copy place cause it's open 24 hours, like if it's three in the morning, and I suddenly decide I need two of something, I'm covered.
Mitch Hedberg
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I suppose one has a greater sense of intellectual degradation after an interview with a doctor than from any human experience.
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