My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer... so she got halfway. She's an actress, she's just never called to the set.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.Mitch Hedberg
I mumble a lot off-stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say 'What'. So I'll say it again, but once again he doesn't hear me, so he says 'What'. But really it's just some insignificant sht that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling, 'That tree is far away.'
Mitch Hedberg
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss
Mitch Hedberg
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever... Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on fellas - Let me hold one of you.'
Mitch Hedberg
People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
Mitch Hedberg
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I wonder if we are all wrong about each other, if we are just composing unwritten novels about the people we meet?
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I wanted to be a neurologist. That seemed to be the most difficult, most intriguing, and the most important aspect of medicine, which had links with psychology, aggression, behavior, and human affairs.
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