It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
I was so poor growing up - if I wasn't a boy - I'd have had nothing to play with
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I'm so ugly - I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I went to a fight the other day and a hockey game broke out.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face .... turned me over and said. Look ... twins
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I have an Egyptian cat. He leaves a pyramid in every room.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
© 2020 Inspirational Stories
© 2020 Inspirational Stories