War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
The statue is permanently out of place in my house,
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors.
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead.
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
This isn't all true.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step I'm like that all the time.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think'
I got an answering machine for my phone.... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
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