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Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)


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  • War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.
    (Steven Wright)

  • The statue is permanently out of place in my house,
    (Steven Wright)

  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors.
    (Steven Wright)


  • Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
    (Steven Wright)

  • I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have.
    (Steven Wright)

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
    (Steven Wright)

  • My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
    (Steven Wright)

  • I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
    (Steven Wright)

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
    (Steven Wright)

  • This isn't all true.
    (Steven Wright)


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