Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli.... Sold number 3 for 28 bucks.

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food.

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises the baby makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I bought an occassional table........sometimes it's a microwave oven.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 mile per hour, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.

I felt I could've got him out. Coach made a good decision because we ended up getting him out anyway.

I was on a ski lift with another person ... no one I knew ... and he didn't say a word until we were half way up the mountain ... then he said, 'I haven't been skiing in ten years.' I said, 'How come' He said, 'I was in jail.' I didn't say anything. He said, 'You wanna know why' I said, 'Not really.' He said, 'I'll tell you anyway ... I was jailed for pushing a complete stranger off a ferris wheel.' I said, 'Oh yeah, I remember you.'

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one. It wasn't doing what I was doing.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went 'Aaaaahhhh...'

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in.

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, 'Didn't you see the stop sign' I said, 'Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read'

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

In terms of visits, we're probably going to wind up 3 to 5 percent ahead in visits and probably double that in revenue.

So, do you live around here often?

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I haven't done a film in about five years and I want to do more. It's not a matter of expense, because budgets are low, it's the problem of not having a really good idea.

In Mexico we have a word for sushi.

I saw a sign 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.

My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.