Jay Leno Quotes (161 Quotes)


    They had a profile of John Kerry on the news and they said his first wife was worth around 300 million and his second wife, his current wife, is worth around 700 million. So when John Kerry says he's going after the wealthy in this country, he's not just talking. He's doing it

    Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing.

    John Kerry said today that he stands by ... his claim that certain foreign leaders have told him that they hope he wins. And George Bush fired back. He said oh yeah, certain Supreme Court justices have told me that I'm going to win.

    I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

    The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.


    In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune.

    Tip flying in the winter Book an afternoonflight. The airport security personell has warmed their hands already on other passengers.

    The guy he shot ... had a mild heart attack. To which Cheney said 'Oh you big baby, I get those all the time. Come on, walk it off.

    Marriage is grand. Divorce is twenty grand.

    Dick Cheney has announced that he has agreed to be Bush's running mate in 2004. Cheney says wants four more years as vice president, but I get the feeling Cheney wants four more years at anything. He said the only thing that could keep him from running is another double bacon cheeseburger.

    President Bush is the fittest president in history. They said it's because he spends a lot of time exercising. See a lot of our previous presidents wasted that time reading. .... A lot of people are every critical of President Bush for taking the entire month of August off for his vacation. But his staff points out, there's nothing at the White House he can't do at the ranch because the ranch is fully equipped. It's got the treadmill, the weight room, the jogging path, the big screen TV, they get Nickelodeon. It's got everything he would do.

    The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

    If Jay spent as much time studying as he does trying to be a comedian, hed be a big star.

    The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

    You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

    Saddam Hussein has told his people that U. S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves.

    It's a big showroom at MGM. It will bring in a few thousand people because it's free. When times are good you take your money and when they are bad you give it back.

    It's the second time that I've driven the pace car. It's fun running into that 31-degree banking. Usually when you're at 31 degrees in a car, it's because you're wrecking.

    John Kerry speaks French fluently. Democrats are saying he's one in a million. A war hero who speaks French, isn't it more like one in a trillion

    President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that

    Major league baseball has asked its players to stop tossing baseballs into the stands during games, because they say fans fight over them and they get hurt. In fact, the Florida Marlins said that's why they never hit any home runs. It's a safety issue.

    President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

    You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

    Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

    Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up.

    Democrats have been complaining that President Bush has spent more than 21 percent of his time in office out of the White House. That's nothing -- since Bush has been president, the Democrats have been out of the White House 100 percent of the time.

    U.N. weapons inspectors found empty chemical warheads in Iraq. So, the question everyone is asking now is how did Sean Penn miss this

    When told it was going to take 80 days to drain flood water out of New Orleans, Conan O'Brien joked that Bush said, that's almost half a vacation. ... I'm here for the earthquake damage you had back in '94.

    Tom Brokaw is leaving. Dan Rather is leaving. You realize the most trusted guy in television news will wind up being Geraldo Rivera.

    Today President Bush ordered an investigation into whether it is appropriate to have civilians with no experience running a Navy sub. Hey, how about an investigation into whether it's appropriate to have a civilian with no experience running the country

    The Pentagon still has not given a name to the Iraqi war. Somehow 'Operation Re-elect Bush' doesn't seem to be popular.

    We had an idea today, we're going to invite every single person running for governor to be in our audience on September 22nd, ... So on September 22nd, if you're running, if you're a legitimate candidate, all 200, we have 300 seats, we'll let everybody in. And Gary Coleman, don't worry we will have a booster seat.

    I thought he looked quite good in his flight suit landing on the aircraft carrier. He looked very natural, like he wore it everyday. It was like seeing Dick Cheney in a hospital gown. It looked like the most normal thing in the world.

    John Kerry met with Al Sharpton. Can you see the two of them standing together It'd look like Abe Lincoln with Ruben from American Idol.

    President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I

    Las Vegas has been good to me and I wanted to give something back. I thought it would be fun to do.

    At his wife's 60th birthday party in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, Dick Cheney had a huge steak and battered onion rings for dinner. Afterwards he met with 100 donors, not campaign donors, heart donors.

    Al Gore has found a new job. He is going to teach journalism at Columbia University, which is ironic isn't it The guy who did all the coke winds up going to the White House, the guy who didn't do coke goes to Columbia.

    I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France

    A group of U.S. Muslim scholars announced...they have forbidden terrorism. Well that's nipping it in the bud. I'm glad they came out with this so soon, before things got out of hand.

    I do a lot of work for PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and I'm on their board. And the other night I did Jay's show ... The Tonight Show.

    Saddam Hussein has raised the amount going to suicide bombers from 10 thousand dollars to 25 thousand. What's next, a health care plan

    Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

    It's just a matter of time before we go into Iraq and get Saddam Hussein. I think just before Bush falls below 50 percent, that's when we'll be going.

    Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster.

    A week later, President Bush said his administration's response to Katrina was unacceptable. Then he said 'Hey, don't blame me, I was on vacation.' ... The Tonight Show With Jay Leno.

    Some Democrats say the estimated 60 billion dollar cost of a war with Iraq could be better spent at home. When he heard that, President Bush agreed and announced plans to bomb Ohio.

    Anheuser-Busch gives two free cases of beer to its employees at all of its parks, like Busch Gardens. That's a comforting thought the next time you're getting ready to get on the roller coaster.

    Saddam Hussein has invited members from the U.S. Congress to visit Iraq. Man how stupid is Hussein If you think Bush had incentive to bomb Iraq before, imagine if Congress was over there.

    If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.


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