Jay Leno Quotes (161 Quotes)

Kerry has already begun his search for a running mate. They say that because John Edwards still has 50 million in campaign money, Kerry might pick him. Pick him Hey, for 50 million, Kerry will marry him.

Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.

There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name - because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not.

Senator John Kerry released his plan today to eliminate the deficit. He said all we have to do is find a really rich country like Switzerland and marry it.

The Sacramento Bee is reporting that Arnold Schwarzenegger is not going to run for governor. You know what would be better Arnold should do what he does in the Terminator movies. He should go back in time and prevent Gray Davis from ever being born. That way you wouldn't have the problem.

The latest word is that Saddam Hussein is now creating a buffer zone in Northern Iraq to defend against a northern invasion. Experts say if he's successful this could extend the length of the war by up to seven minutes.

Plus, I promised Mavis (his wife) I would take her out for dinner before I turned 60.

I believe this is the first time in the history of the race where the pace car has more horsepower than the actual race car. So theoretically, I could blow them into the weeds.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it.

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq We can't even get this in Florida.

Nineteen percent of doctors say that they'd be able to give their patients a lethal injection. But they also went on to say that the patient would have to be really, really behind on payments.

There's all this talk about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Well, you know where he is now Visiting Mexico, which I think means that he is definitely going to run for governor. Arnold is smart. He's in Mexico campaigning with the very people who'll be living here by election time.

I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping illegal

'I am not just another notch on your belt' she asked him. 'Of course not.' he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.

More coming out about Saddam Hussein. We now know he takes Viagra and he has as many as six mistresses. No wonder Congress is reluctant to take action against this guy - he's one of their own.

Scientists in Australia are working on making biodegradable car parts out of hemp. This might get confusing. When someone says, roll up the window, they might mean, roll up the window.

At the time, Shaq was disguised as an apartment building.

As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear This war is not about oil, it's about gasoline.

The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way - it's Operation George Gone Wild.

It seems an Iranian-born German soccer star is refusing to play in his team's next match because it's in Israel. He's German and Iranian. There's a good combination, huh One side of the family caused the Holocaust. The other side denies it even happened.

John Kerry said today that he wants to get rid of tax cuts for the rich and his wife said, 'Hey, shut up What's the matter with you Are you nuts'

This morning on the 405 freeway I saw a Minnesota Vikings sex cruise go by.

Did you hear about this story ... Several Minnesota Vikings players are being investigated after a boat cruise on a lake turned into a wild sex party on this boat. What are they, 1-3 One and three. That's the only offensive thing they've done all season, actually.

For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.

On Monday, President Bush will reach his 100th day in office. It's a big milestone for him, surpassed all expectations. In fact, so has Dick Cheney. Cheney was only supposed to make it to day 73.

Isn't this amazing Clinton is getting 8M for his memoir, Hillary got 8M for her memoir. That is 16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

Vice President Cheney is also on vacation. He's in Jackson Hole, Wyoming. What better place for a guy who has had 4 heart attacks than a place with thin air, rugged hiking and all-beef dinners Why don't they get some snow for him to shovel while he's out there, too

According to this week's Time magazine, President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. He works out 60 to 90 minutes a day with weights. Apparently he likes working out because it 'clears his mind.' Sometimes it works a little too well.

Obviously this guy didn't know what he was doing. A Ferrari Enzo won't leave the road at 160 mph unless you're doing something wrong.

Vice President Dick Cheney said he is upset when critics say the administration lied us into the war. I say fine, just lie us back out and we'll call it even.

If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why you got computer sex, you can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey, what's this A Pepsi ad They're ruining the integrity of the Internet.

My stockbroker asked me something important today paper or plastic

Bush said today he is being stalked. He said wherever he goes, people are following him. Finally, someone told him, 'Psst. That's the Secret Service.'

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand

President Bush is taking the entire month of August off. Bush said today he thinks it is important for a president to spend time away from Washington. Or at least that's what Dick Cheney told him.

It is said that life begins when the fetus can exist apart from its mother. By this definition, many people in Hollywood are legally dead.

It was very funny. It was agony for him when it was 'stolen' from the yard. Women think it's so cruel. Guys think it's hilarious. It's a guy thing I guess.

John Kerry announced that he and his wife are leaving on a week-long vacation. He's going to take her back to the place where he first proposed to her at her bank.

The Democrats are all over this. Democratic strategists feel John Kerry's war record means he can beat Bush. They say when it comes down to it voters will always vote for a war hero over someone who tried to get out of the war. I'll be sure to mention that to Bob Dole when I see him.

Magic Johnson, former basketball player, may run for mayor of LA in the next election. Remember the good 'ol days when only qualified people ran for office like actors and professional wrestlers.

The Bush administration has apparently approved a plan to oust Saddam Hussein. I think that's President Bush's Father's Day gift to his Dad.

Go through your phone book, call people and ask them to drive you to the airport. The ones who will drive you are your true friends. The rest aren't bad people they're just acquaintances.

I just got a phone call that Tom Cruise had a baby girl about two minutes ago. No joke.

be here in person next time.

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.