Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using'

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I was just getting too ahead of myself. I was rushing.

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

Anywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

Referring to a glass of water I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody.

I bought a dog the other day.... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him.... 'Come here, Stay Come here, Stay' He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I bought a ticket on Airline Bizarre ... a one-way round-trip ticket.... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday.... that way, you still have the weekend.

I went for a walk last night, and my kids asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I saw a close friend of mine the other day.... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it' I said, 'I don't know ... my calendar has no sevens on it.'

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it.

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic herbals for ceramic cats.

Why is it a penny for your thoughts, but you have to put your two-cents in.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

Did you sleep well No, I made a couple of mistakes.

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Sponges grow in the ocean. This bothers me. How deep would it be if they didn't.

Shin a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet' I said, 'I don't know ... let me ask Tony.'

They say we're 98 water. We're that close to drowning.... picks up his glass of water from the stool ... I like to live on the edge....

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking," but I don't have that much time.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, 'Cut it out'

I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, 'Hello, Information.' I said, 'I can't find my socks.' She said, 'They're behind the couch.' And they were.

How come you dont ever hear about gruntled employees And who has been diss-ing them anyhow.

I was cesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through a window.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

What a nice night for an evening.

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.