George Burns Quotes (59 Quotes)

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

How beautifully leaves grow old. How full of light and color are their last days.

Age to me means nothing. I can't get old I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

We were what you call a disappointment act, ... If an act got sick, we'd take their place.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

How can I die? I'm booked.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

At my age flowers scare me.

The reason we're doing this now is because I'm booked to play Pasadena the week of my 100th birthday

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

Be quick to learn and wise to know.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

You've got to be honest; if you can fake that, you've got it made.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I I've got it two ways I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Retire I'm going to stay in show business until I'm the only one left.

Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I was married by a judge. I should've asked for a jury.

If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few people die past the age of a hundred.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.

Fein praised Burns as a singer, dancer, straight man, comedian, and actor who will leave a very large void in our lives. ... to keep doing what he loved best.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

I'd rather be a failure at something I love than a success at something I hate.

Everyday happiness means getting up in the morning, and you can't wait to finish your breakfast. You can't wait to do your exercises. You can't wait to get out and you can't wait to come home, because the soup is hot.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.

I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

Look to the future, because that is where you'll spend the rest of your life.

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.

I'd rather be a flop at show business than to be a success at something I didn't like.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

Life's but a day at most.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.