Groucho Marx Quotes (136 Quotes)

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore, I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

When Judy Garland lost the 1954 best actress Oscar to Grace Kelly in The Country Girl, ... Dear Judy, this is the biggest robbery since Brinks.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

Money will not make you happy, and happy will not make you money.

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

I never forget a face but in your case, Ill make an exception.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I'm giving you 30 days to live.

Whoever named necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure

I cannot say that I do not disagree wtih you.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Firefly Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we oughta have Chicolini Well, I tell you what I think. I think we should have a standing army. Firefly Why should we have a standing army Chicolini Because then we save money on chairs.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

Q: What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic? A Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a Dog.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon.

It is better to have loft and lost than to never have loft at all.

Humor is reason gone mad.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Hello, I must be going.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.