Steven Wright Quotes (287 Quotes)

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Sorry ... my mind was wandering ... One time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn't pay for.

The statue is permanently out of place in my house,

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds fee' on money they already know you don't have.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

This isn't all true.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it.

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step I'm like that all the time.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So. What did you think'

I got an answering machine for my phone.... Now, when I'm not home and somebody calls me up ... they hear a recording of a busy signal.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, 'Have you got anything I'd like' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.

Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'

The power in my apartment went out the other night. I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around. I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, 'ten-four.'

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.

I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you'

I got food poisoning today. But I don't know when I'm going to use it.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?