David Letterman Quotes (81 Quotes)

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

Coming back through the airport, he did not have to spend much time going through the metal detector.

What a big night that is going to be not only for us, not only for Oprah, but for Broadway, ... You have the big Color Purple' Broadway opening, and then right across the street here in this theater, you have Oprah appearing here. I mean, that's what Broadway is all about it's a street of dreams.

Then you get to go out to the Speedway, and there's just this excitement and this drama, and the place is sacred. The greats of the sport have competed here and given their lives here.

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

The Security and Exchanges Commission is going to be investigating Vice President Dick Cheney. They'll begin that investigation as soon as Congress finishes investigating the Security and Exchanges Commission.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

I guess we're all excited that President Bush announced his nomination to the Supreme Court - John Roberts. Bush searched far and wide before he made the risky choice of a white guy in his 50s,

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today 1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

I guess when I was a kid, there was no Major League Baseball except in Chicago and Cincinnati,

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

There will be no money changing hands, ... The reason I don't need to give Ball State University money is each and every night, especially during football season, I'm giving them a million dollars in free exposure.

Today is a big day in TV history. On this day forty-one years ago, the Beverly Hillbillies aired for the first time right here on CBS. They took a little break, then in 1992, they moved into the White House for eight years.

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

You're just a kid. You're 15 years old and like a world-class golfer, not a professional yet, but soon I would guess.

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

possibly the most shameful situation that I've ever gotten myself in in my life, and I've done some pretty dumb things in my life.

This sort of thing has happened in the past. Do you have trouble controlling your temper

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.

Items in President Clinton's Medical File 5. Soreness in lower back from years of flip-flopping.

I don't belong here, ... What am I doing here It's crazy, absolutely crazy. I'm the luckiest man in the world today, believe me

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

The last time the French asked for 'more proof,' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.

What could be more fun, on a crisp autumn Indiana afternoon, to load the family and get the picnic and have a little tailgate party out there in the parking lot of majestic Dave Letterman Stadium.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Hopefully it gives people a little bit of a shot in the arm right now, ... Hopefully this shows to some of the other kids and some from go-karts to circle track to whatever they are doing, that they can make it here and they can come here and win.

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

Good news, ladies and gentlemen we have finally located weapons of mass destruction. ... It's Dick Cheney, We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney.

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

What he has done and his contributions to American culture speak for themselves. He is one of a very small group of men and women who represent the absolute highest echelon of broadcast achievement.

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

It is a sad day for his family and for the country,

They have demonstrated superb taste by giving me my own show and it's humbling that they recognize my unequaled genius.

When I was 52, I woke up after eight hours of heart surgery-- that's a big deal, ... I had my first son last year, that's a big deal. Now, I'm part of the team that won the Indianapolis 500. Those are three pretty good things to have in your life.

Fine art and pizza delivery what we do falls neatly in between.

Maybe you don't know this, but over the years I've actually told a lot of jokes about you,

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

What do you think of the jacuzzi out there on the lawn of the White House,