I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, Screw that, I'll just make a copy.
More Quotes from Mitch Hedberg:
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.Mitch Hedberg
Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg
Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
I saw some two-dollar bills today - They were for sale for eight dollars. Something went severely wrong there. What happened It spun out of control... Now it's worth eight, still says two. I miss the two. I could break a two.
Mitch Hedberg
Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made 3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had 3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.
Mitch Hedberg
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In the perception of the incongruous stimuli, the recognition process is temporarily thwarted and exhibits characteristics which are generally not observable in the recognition of more conventional stimuli.Jerome Bruner
Comfort in expressing your emotions will allow you to share the best of yourself with others, but not being able to control your emotions will reveal your worst.
Bryant H. McGill
Life is the art of being well deceived; and in order that the deception may succeed it must be habitual and uninterrupted.
William Hazlitt