Sometimes I make some money doin' comedy. I made 3000 opening for the Neville Brothers, and they paid me in cash, so I had 3000 in my front pocket. That was a bad situation, because then I start to buy ridulous sh. Like, I bought a snake-bite emergency repair kit. Then I said to my friends, 'Don't even worry about snakes anymore.' Then my friend stepped on a worm, I said, 'Lay down.' Snake bite emergency repair kit... is a body bag.
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Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load his shit into a truck.Mitch Hedberg
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at...
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I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches All-encompassingly...
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All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
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I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slammed the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation Zipper it up really quick.
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I was walking down the street at 3am, and I passed a dry cleaner. The sign in the window said -Sorry, We're Closed. You don't have to be sorry. It's 3am. And you're a dry cleaners. Its not like I was gonna come back at 10 and say Hey man, I was here at 3 and you guys were closed... somebody owes me an apology.
Mitch Hedberg
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Based on Topics: Body Quotes, Brothers Quotes, Comedy Quotes, Friendship Quotes, Money & Wealth QuotesBased on Keywords: neville
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