W. C. Fields Quotes (102 Quotes)

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he should.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I never drink water. I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

Women are like elephants to me they're nice to look at but I wouldn't want to own one.

If there's a will, prosperity can't be far behind.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I only drink to steady my nerves. Sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

I must have a drink of breakfast.

Start off everyday with a simple smile and get it over with.

I like children - fried.

Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.

If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw.

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.)

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Wouldn't it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol.