W. C. Fields Quotes (102 Quotes)

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

I never met a kid I liked.

I have been asked if I ever get the DTs I don't know it's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

No one likes a fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Stop following me, are you following me That'll get you twelve years at Leavenworth, or eleven years at twelveworth, or five and ten at Woolworth's.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

I drink therefore I am.

Happiness means quiet nerves.

Sleep - the most beautiful experience in life - except drink.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Horse sense is a good judgement which keeps horses from betting on people.

Never give a sucker an even break.

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.

Somebody left the cork out of my lunch.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

It's a funny old world - a man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose -- to make people laugh.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.

The best thing to break is a contract.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

Women are like elephants. I like to look at 'em, but I wouldn't want to own one.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad.

There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.

Hey Who took the cork off my lunch.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.