Jay Leno Quotes (161 Quotes)

A lot of controversy over this possible invasion of Iraq. In fact, Nelson Mandela was so upset, he called Bush's dad. How embarrassing, when world leaders start calling your father.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war.

The White House began airing their TV commercials to re-elect the president, and the John Kerry campaign is condemning his use of 911 in the ads. He said it is unconscionable to use the tragic memory of a war in order to get elected unless, of course, it's the Vietnam War.

CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts regular, premium and unleaded.

The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.

Shaquille O'Neal, ... has signed a five-year, 100-million contract extension with the Miami Heat. ...Actually, they offered him 200 million if he would practice his free throws, but he said no.

To his credit, President Bush did respond quickly and he did send troops as soon as he found out Louisiana had oil.

Bob Dole revealed he is one of the test subjects for Viagra. He said on Larry King, 'I wish I had bought stock in it.' Only a Republican would think the best part of Viagra is the fact that you could make money off of it.

Hillary Clinton is getting a little bit of controversy because she has the most expensive hometown office rent - over 500,000 a year. She's in a one-year lease in the office, as opposed to her marriage, which is on a month-to-month.

Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. He met with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an indeterminate amount of time at an undisclosed location. Thank God he cle

This is a busy time for President Clinton. Not only does he have that thing in Kosovo, it's also prom season.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.

Good news. President Bush is creating thousands of new jobs. Unfortunately, all of them are at the White House.

(The Weakest Link) is fascinating program. They ask a bunch of people questions and they keep getting rid of the dumbest person, so just the smartest person is left. It is kind of the opposite way we elect a president.

Today, one year after their divorce, Pamela and Tommy Lee announced they're getting back together. You know what that means? There's still hope for Ike and Tina Turner.

Did you know Bill and Hillary Clinton were born under the same sign Know what sign 'For Sale.'

Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you've met your New Year's resolution.

If God had wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.

It looks like it's going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Gray Davis. You got a robot from the future or a robot with no future.

You know what they should call this war - Son of Bush vs. Son of a Bitch.

Do you know what White House correspondents call actors who pose as reporters? Anchors.

Now the Democrats control the Senate. But the good news is that now the Republicans can admit that Strom Thurmond has been dead since 1988.

Kerry's said all these foreign leaders said they want him to win, but Kerry hasn't even been out of the country in a year and a half, which means the only possible foreign leader he could have met with is Arnold Schwarzenegger.

In a speech yesterday John Kerry said that before November he may go to Iraq. Is that a good idea for him to go to Iraq You thought Bush didn't have a reason to bomb Iraq before.

Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.

An Israeli man's life was saved when he was given a Palestinian man's heart in a heart transplant operation. The guy is doing fine, but the bad news is, he can't stop throwing rocks at himself.

And, of course, Arnold was thrilled because for the first time in his career, the critics are calling him an actor, ladies and gentlemen -- this is a historic night

This Ken Starr report is now posted on the Internet. I'll bet Clinton's glad he put a computer in every classroom.

Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language.

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

Newsweek reported that 87 Congressman are currently having affairs. In fact, that is why they have roll call ever morning, to see who is back from the motel. Last call Kennedy I know these guys like to poll their constituents but this is ridiculous.

In his speech last night, John Kerry said this was the beginning of the end of the Bush administration. I agree. Sure, it may take another five years, but this is it.

You sound like my wife. I have about 80 cars. It's getting a little silly.

In just two weeks, Bill Clinton will no longer be President of the United States. He'll just be another chubby, middle-aged guy annoying the waitresses at Hooters.

Politics is just show business for ugly people.

President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for 400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine.

We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years.

Also today, we're watching to see whether there's any truth to this rumor that Laura Bush and Teresa Heinz Kerry have secretly become friends. The first lady, who first met her wannabe successor after last week's debate, says she thinks the two have a lot in common. We even chose the same color suits to wear for that night, ... The Tonight Show.

Everybody's talking about are you going to turn pro. Here's your chance. You only have to answer the question that one time. Are you going to turn pro.

You think, well, I can't cry anymore. You go, 'Oh gee,' and you see that pregnant mom, you see that father who lost a daughter.

According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.

When I worked with Willie Nelson, who is just about the nicest man I've ever worked with in my life, the sweetest, kindest man, I thought, 'If I'd have been gay, it would have saved me millions,'

Al Jazeera aired a new tape of Osama bin Laden. It was the usual stuff, he called Bush evil, the Great Satan, called him a war monger. Basically, the same thing you heard at last night's Democratic debate.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

The comedian said he was prompted to do the free show after hundreds of Strip employees lost their jobs when hotel occupancies plummeted after the attacks. All I ask is that you tip your waiters and waitresses, ... We have to turn this situation around.

I think high self-esteem is overrated. A little low self-esteem is actually quite good. Maybe you're not the best, so you should work a little harder.

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.