Bill Maher Quotes (90 Quotes)

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now, and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June, he will stop blowing hot air.

The country has become much more conservative, partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.

The IRS is auditing the NRA. I haven't had this much trouble picking sides since the Iran-Iraq war.

Just by the luck of the draw, they had an animal act first,

We survived the 1980's. Back then, the economic program was called trickle down. That actually meant they were pissing on you. How the whole theory goes was this We have all the money. If we drop some, it's yours. Go for it.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

Men are only as loyal as their options.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

So when I say we had been the cowards, yes, that's what I meant, we as a society. And that's everybody, including myself. I had been screaming about the drug war and this war and other wars. I should have been more on terrorism, too. So should you, so should everybody.

. . . remember, guns don't kill people -- unless you practice real hard.

And she's always writing a book. It's always the same book. Slander. Treason. How many euphemisms can you come up with for 'I Hate People' ... And, believe it or not, there are a number of people who won't do the show with her.

Doctors said that the test most commonly used to screen for colon cancer doesn't go far enough. They're recommending a procedure that involves photographing the entire colon. I say, don't vie CBS an idea for another reality show.

Apparently Bob Dole's new election strategy is to find a Republican policy so stupid, even Clinton won't copy it.

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.

President Bush was on the ground all day today - you saw him there hugging the starving and touring the devastated area,

I was watching Ashlee Simpson on Jay's show last night... She was really singing, and I was saying, 'Bring back the lip synch.' ...And it struck me that Ashlee Simpson is a lot like George Bush-because she wouldn't even really be in the big leagues if it wasn't for family connections, and she's in way over her head. And she doesn't know what to do. And she blamed her band.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of 'Law & Order'. TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

I have a high state of resentment for the conformity in this country. If you're not married and having children, it's like your life is empty or you're a communist meanie.

When You Ride Alone You Ride With Bin Laden What the Government Should Be Telling Us to Help Fight the War on Terrorism.

If nothing else, you'll understand that there's another use for silicone,

Jim Bakker spells his name with 2 k's because 3 would be too obvious

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

In Lowell, Indiana, there was a four-hour hostage standoff in a bank. The bank customers were made to line up and stand still for hours . . . just like in a regular visit.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Abstinence is a perversion.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

In no way was I intending to say, nor have I ever thought, that the men and women who defend our nation in uniform are anything but courageous and valiant, and I offer my apologies to anyone who took it wrong.

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing . . . rewarding immoral and illegal behavior. . . . For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

We're always on a tightrope. We're trying to put together people who don't make sense to be together, talking about issues that are sensitive and controversial. We're mixing dangerous chemicals on a nightly basis.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

He could have started planning on Saturday when the radar showed that a hurricane was going to hit the city, but Bush thinks that the jury is still out on weather forecasting.

Our mistakes from the past are just that mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?