Bill Maher Quotes (90 Quotes)

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.

I mean, I think, Iraqis, I think, feel that if we drove smaller cars, maybe we wouldn't have to kill them for their oil.

In New York now, they have Harvey Milk High School for gay students. They don't have much of a football team, but the half-time show . . .

The true Axis of Evil in America is the genius of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

I think what's dangerous is the idea that someone can wash away your sins.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Do you think it was appropriate that the president spoke while the important business of the O.J. trial was going on

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book. Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is and every problem can be solved with violence.

Dylan -- live on your computer, ... I remember it was a big deal when he went electric.

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

Well, that's exactly the wrong attitude. That is not the attitude they had in World War II. Your attitude is that freedom means you can do whatever you want whenever you want it, and that sacrifice is somehow un-American. ... But the idea that we should also be defensive about our flaws and weaknesses and our vulnerabilities is ridiculous.

When we talk about values, I think of rationality in solving problems. Thats something I value. Fairness, kindness, generosity, tolerance. When they talk about values, theyre talking about things like going to church, voting for Bush, being loyal to Jesus, praying. These are not values.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."

A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.

Just honest. To me, being 'politically incorrect' means the opposite of being political -- which means to spin everything. That's all it's ever meant to me. It's never meant liberal or conservative. It means honest.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

To me a real patriot is like a real friend. Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth. That's who my real friends are. So, you know, I think as far as our country goes, we need more people who will do that.

The younger generation is supposed to rage against the machine, not for it. They're supposed to question authority, not question those who question authority.

Hi. You know with everything going down in West Palm Beach, and the holidays right around the corner I couldn't think of a better time to share one of my favorite children's classics, it's called How the Grinch Stole the Election. And ah--I'd like to read it to you now, shall weEvery Jew down in Jew-vile liked elections a lot,But the Grinch who lived over in Austin did not.I know they'll be voting for Gore, he was thinking,By Wednesday--the latest--I'll be back to my drinking.Election Day came and the voting was close,At one point the Grinch even started to boast,'It's the Grinch by a nose' all the newsmen exclaimed,Even Dan Rather who was clearly insane.But was he the winner, hey not so fast--Al Gore called him up and said, Grinch, kiss my assThe race was too tight to say who was elected,The Grinch was so stressed his face got infected.All eyes turned to Jewville to sort out the mess,But Hyman and Hershel and dear old Aunt Bess,Were too senile to vote for the one that they liked,They poked the wrong hole and joined the Third Reich.The Jews down in Jewville took to the streets,To complain about fraud, not to mention the heat.The Grinch said something that couldn't be gosher,'This election my friends, is perfectly kosher.'Then a judge ruled each vote should be counted by hand,The Grinch said, 'That's not what my brother Jeb had planned.'His lawyers filed motions and junctions and writs,Demanding that Gore and the Jews call it quits.But just when the Grinch thought the deal had gone through,He met Cindy Lou Lipshitz, age 92.'Why' she cried, 'Did you steal our election'The Grinch just laughed and gave her a lethal injection.They say the Grinch's ego grew 3 sizes that day,Unfortunately his brain went the opposite way.So here's a lesson for now and for later,Dont blame me-- I voted for Nader

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his personality is a little George Bush.

Now I've got to get the computer fixed to get my goddamn windows up,

Bob Dole admitted he used cocaine when he was in college, but then Coca-Cola changed its formula.

Stop worrying. Hollywood wont turn your daughter into a nymphomaniac or get her hooked on drugs... I will.

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not, because he is actually quite liberal. Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi, he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids.

I have determined that we have not made the progress we expected and that it is in the best interest of Canisius College and our men's basketball program that we seek new leadership.

Like you're in the showroom, about to either buy that car or walk out, and they're the salesman, saying What do I have to say to get you in this car

A group of Cuban Americans denounced the Castro government as a fascist regime that monitors and scrutinized its citizens' everyday existence. And then they excused themselves to go watch Big Brother.

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical marijuana or assisted suicide, suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why cant the rest of us make them go away

A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out.

Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'

It's all been satirized for your protection.

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.

When I do something directly political, even if an audience doesn't agree with it, if it's funny and true, they gotta give it up. . . . Stand-up is more personal a monologue is standing on the corner watching the parade go by and making wisecracks about it.

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, theyve seen me laugh, and theyve seen me hug.' These are the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, 'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'

When you're twelve years old and you've just learned to spell 'bestiality',

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think religion stops people from thinking. I think it justified crazies.

It's not a mystery to me what happened with 911. . . . These guys are out there. We knew they were out there. It was a failure of will on our part to address the situation 10 years before. . . . There is no big mystery about it.