Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.
Political success is the ability, when the inevitable occurs, to get credit for it.
It's better to have loved and lost than to have to do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.
The great question is not whether you have failed, but whether you are content with failure.
America is a country that doesn't know where it is going but is determined to set a speed record getting there.
The best intelligence test is what we do with our leisure.
Democracy is a process by which people are free to choose the man who will get the blame.
Fortune knocks but once, but misfortune has much more patience.
As a matter of fact is an expression that precedes many an expression that isn't.
Men now monopolize the upper levels... depriving women of their rightful share of opportunities for incompetence.
You can't cross the sea merely by standing and staring at the water. Don't let yourself indulge in vain wishes.
Nobody can be perfect unless he admits his faults, but if he has faults how can he be perfect?
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.
Heredity is what sets the parents of a teenager wondering about each other.
If you don't know where you're going, you will probably end up somewhere else.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.
In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish a reputation as an expert.
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
America is a land of taxation that was founded to avoid taxation.
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
You can always tell a real friend: when you've made a fool of yourself he doesn't feel you've done a permanent job.
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.
Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.
Education is a method whereby one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.
A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.
Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.
Going to church doesn't make you any more a Christian than going to the garage makes you a car.
A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street.
Reality is for people who can't face drugs.
An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' shortcomings.
A man convinced against his will is not convinced.
Slump, and the world slumps with you. Push, and you push alone.
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Don't knock the rich. When did a poor person give you a job
Education helps one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
All science is concerned with the relationship of cause and effect. Each scientific discovery increases man's ability to predict the consequences of his actions and thus his Ability to control future events.
Television has changed the American child from an irresistable force to an immovable object.
There are two kinds of egotists: Those who admit it, and the rest of us.
The seaman tells stories of winds, the ploughman of bulls; the soldier details his wounds, the shepherd his sheep.
If a cluttered desk is the sign of a cluttered mind, what is the significance of a clean desk?
Bureaucracy defends the status quo long past the time when the quo has lost its status.
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