Dan Castellaneta Quotes (96 Quotes)

I can't believe it Reading and writing actually paid off

Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. This Bible cost 15 bucks And talk about a preachy book Everybody's a sinner Except this guy.

I'm having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church

I'm not a bad guy I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to Hell

I won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm lazy I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight.

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.

If you really want something in this life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers

I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around

If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such

Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it

Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 of people know that.

I won't lie to you, fatherhood isn't easy like motherhood

When I first did The Tracey Ullman Show, there were times when I could offer a solution on stage, and I could understand the writers.

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

It's hard to find a play that's right for me to do. Rather than waiting around for the right script to come along, I decided to write one myself.

Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks

Alright Brain...Its all up to you.

Homer no function beer well without.

The voice doesn't take a lot of effort now, but in the beginning it was hard to try to find a voice. The one I settled on was just easier to do for a half-hour.

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen

I want to share something with you The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1 Cover for me. Number 2 Oh, good idea, Boss Number 3 It was like that when I got here.

Lets just plop them in front of the TV. I was raised in front of the TV and I turned out TV

Quiet you kids. If I hear one more word, Bart doesn't get to watch cartoons, and Lisa doesn't get to go to college.

Do you want the job done right, or do you want it done fast

America's health care system is second only to Japan... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, ... well all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

I'm going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

Where is Bart, anyway His dinner is getting all cold and eaten

Television Teacher, mother, secret lover.

I often say, if I wasn't part of the show I'd be a huge fan of it.

Sometimes the only way you can feel good about yourself is by making someone else look bad. And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

Always blame it on the guy who doesn't speak English

Oh no What have I done I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure... not even close.

You think I don't want to It's those TV networks, Marge they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't They won't let me live

Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal family

Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

The Simpsons can go anywhere in the world and not worry about any budgetary issues. However, even when the show has had its run, I think the characters can go on in perpetuity.

The Simpsons take up so little time that I'm able to do other things as well.

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My achilles heel, if you will.

Marge, old people don't need companionship, they need to be isolated and studied to see what useful nutrients can be obtained from them...

If this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by now.

I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals flaming.

That's it You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college

Excuse me Doctor, I think I now a little something about medicine

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be cooking or something