Conan OBrien Quotes (58 Quotes)


    This is a huge night in my life, ... I cannot tell you how proud I am to be the Emmys' first Catholic host.

    Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this Yesterday, a 27- year-old woman came forward to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front- runner John Kerry. The woman added, I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.

    John Travolta said he sometimes lets his friends take control of his airplane even though they don't know what they're doing. Then Travolta said he often does the same thing with his career.

    Apparently the new high-tech Star Wars toys will be in stores any day now. The toys can talk and are interactive, so they can be easily distinguished from Star Wars fans.

    The whole experience was surreal. It was a fevered dream.


    Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country.

    Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

    The ultimate responsibility to drop audio on something like that is mine. It's my show, 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien,' ... If I had to do it over again, I understand that word is offensive to people, it hurts people. I would say, 'Let's drop audio on it.'

    No charm, no humor, no wit -- and a personality which can only be described as 'icky.'

    John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise 80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the 80 million soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse.

    I still can't really believe that he talked to me, ... If I get hit by a bus tomorrow, they can't take that away from me.

    Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity.

    There's no cure for getting depressed. There's no cure for self-loathing or periods of it. But figure out enough about it so that when it happens, you can get over it and keep moving and just accomplish more.

    It's not every day I get to meet the president of a country.

    Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen.

    In New York, we had primary elections for mayor. To improve their chances, all five candidates changed their name to Rudy Giuliani.

    In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union.

    Last night there were these 16-year-old girls in the audience with homemade T-shirts, ... They've only been fans of the show for two years. They don't even remember that Andy Richter was my sidekick. It's inconceivable.

    thrilled to get this opportunity.

    Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get, but if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen.

    Just think if global warming gets worse. The fake snow industry - that's the upside that nobody looks at.

    In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have.

    People just can't go on with an awards show like nothing happened.

    Martha Stewart showed up at Manhattan FBI Headquarters to have her finger prints taken and pose for a mug shot. Then Martha explained how to get ink off your fingers using seltzer water and lemon juice.

    Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood.

    Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge has unveiled a new color-coded system to warn the public about different states of danger. Red is the highest state of alert, and it means that Dick Cheney is about to eat a mozzarella stick.

    Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion.

    Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob.

    Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years.

    Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.'

    If you can laugh at yourself loud and hard every time you fall, people willthink you're drunk.

    A public relations firm said that rock star David Lee Roth owes them over 110,000. The strange thing is that it's the first time that David Lee Roth has had any publicity in ten years.

    Vanity Fair magazine reports that former President Clinton and Al Gore haven't spoken to each other since George W. Bush's inauguration. Not only that, Bill and his wife, Hillary, haven't spoken since Richard Nixon's inauguration.

    Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer.

    In West Virginia yesterday, a man was arrested for stealing several blow-up dolls. Reportedly, police didn't have any trouble catching the man because he was completely out of breath.

    CBS news anchor Dan Rather has interviewed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein. When asked what it was like to talk to a crazy man, Saddam said, 'It's not so bad.'

    Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.

    Playboy magazine announced that they are going to support the troops by sending them emails from Playboy playmates. After hearing this the U.S. troops said 'Just our luck, we get emails from playmates, but we're embedded with Geraldo.'

    The U.S. army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fire fighting contract in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said 'Yes.'

    Yesterday in Egypt, archaeologists discovered the burial site for the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children What I want to know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy

    In my country, when someone is instrumental in helping someone get elected, it's customary for the president to give that person a cabinet or ministerial position.

    Baseball said it's instituting tougher steriod testing. For the 1st offense, players get a 10-game suspension. For repeat offenses, players will get a batting championship.

    During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage.


    Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me.

    Experts say it could take 80 days to drain all of the flood water out of New Orleans. When President Bush heard this he said, '80 days, that's half a vacation.'

    The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.

    This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

    Yesterday American and British troops handed out food to hundreds of Iraqis. Not surprisingly, the Iraqis handed the British food back.

    Scientist announced a device that can be placed in a pacemaker and will call your doctor whenever you are having heart trouble. When told about it, Dick Cheney said, I can't afford those kind of phone bills.


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