Mark Twain Quotes (1103 Quotes)

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritation and resentments slip away, and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There was never a throne which did not represent a crime.

I do not like work even when someone else does it.

This is the fairest picture on our planet, the most enchanting to look upon, the most satisfying to the eye and spirit. To see the sun sink down, drowned in his pink and purple and golden floods, and overwhelm Florence with tides of color that make all the sharp lines dim and faint and turn the solid city to a city of dreams, is a sight to stir the coldest nature, and make a sympathetic one drunk with ecstasy.

Every generalization is dangerous, especially this one.

My first American ancestor, gentlemen, was an Indianan early Indian. Your ancestors skinned him alive, and I am an orphan. All those Salem witches were ancestors of mine. Your people made it tropical for them.... The first slave brought into New England out of Africa was an ancestor of minefor I am a mixed breed, an infinitely shaded and exquisite Mongrel.

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist, except an old optimist.

What's the use you learning to do right, when it's troublesome to do right and ain't no trouble to do wrong, and the wages is just the same

Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.

Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.

To be vested with enormous authority is a fine thing but to have the on-looking world consent to it is a finer.

By his father he is English, by his mother he is American -- to my mind the blend which makes the perfect man.

Nothing incites to money-crimes like great poverty or great wealth

Seasickness at first you are so sick you are afraid you will die, and then you are so sick you are afraid you won't die.

When angry, count to four; when very angry, swear.

You shouldn't try to teach a pig to sing. You waste your time and it annoys the pig.

Beautiful credit The foundation of modern society. Who shall say that this is not the golden age of mutual trust, of unlimited reliance upon human promises That is a peculiar condition of society which enables a whole nation to instantly recognize point and meaning in the familiar newspaper anecdote, which puts into the mouth of a distinguished speculator in lands and mines this remark -- ''I wasn't worth a cent two years ago, and now I owe two millions of dollars.''

Too much of anything is bad, but too much of good whiskey is barely enough.

When it comes down to pure ornamental cursing, the native American is gifted above the sons of men.

Why was the human race created God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly -- a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.

God has put somrthing noble and good into every heart His hand created.

Accident is the name of the greatest of all inventors.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

To succeed in the other trades, capacity must be shown in the law, concealment of it will do.

It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling

You can go to heaven if you want. I'd rather stay in Bermuda.

We can't reach old age by another man's road. My habits protect my life but they would assassinate you.

He was such a good man that people hated to see him coming.

On with dance, let joy be unconfined, is my motto whether there's any dance to dance or any joy to unconfined.

In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.

To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did. I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.

To my mind Judas Iscariot was nothing but a low, mean, premature Congressman.

I have achieved my seventy years in the usual way, by sticking strictly to a scheme of life which would kill anybody else....I will offer here, as a sound maxim, this That we can't reach old age by another man's road.

If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be a Christian.

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

There are many scapegoats for our sins, but the most popular is providence.

Even Noah got no salary for the first six months partly on account of the weather and partly because he was learning navigation.

Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

To believe yourself brave is to be brave it is the one only essential thing

Experience of life (not of books) is the only capital usable in such a book as you have attempted one can make no judicious use of this capital while it is new

We have the best government that money can buy.

Is it, perhaps, possible that there are two kinds of civilization one for home consumption and one for the heathen market

If there is one thing that will make a man peculiarly and insufferable self-conceited, it is to have his stomach behave itself, the first day at sea, when nearly all his comrades are seasick

There is no security in life, only opportunity.

Prosperity is the surest breeder of insolence I know.

Providence protects children and idiots. I know because I have tested it.