Dave Barry Quotes (185 Quotes)

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.

I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.

We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

The word aerobics comes from two Greek words aero, meaning ability to, and bics, meaning withstand tremendous boredom.

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.

Crabgrass can grow on bowling balls in airless rooms, and there is no known way to kill it that does not involve nuclear weapons.

A Mission Statement is a dense slab of words that a large organization produces when it needs to establish that its workers are not just sitting around downloading Internet porn

And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople Get Ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product a really sharp-looking report.

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!

Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word except in major motion pictures.

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

drink beer. But that's kind of my goal pretty much wherever I go.

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

You can use the Internet to find out, from anywhere on the planet exactly how much coffee is in a certain coffee machine at Cambridge University in England exactly how many sodas are available in certain vending machines at certain major universities and much, much more.

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

Europeans, like some Americans, drive on the right side of the road, except in England, where they drive on both sides of the road Italy, where they drive on the sidewalk and France, where if necessary they will follow you right into the hotel lobby.

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.

I will spare you a gushy description of the dive itself, except to say that when you finally see what goes on underwater, you realize that you've been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

Most married couples, even though they love each other very much in theory, tend to view each other in practice as large teeming flaw colonies, the result being that they get on each other's nerves and regularly erupt into vicious emotional shouting match.

In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.

Dogs need to sniff the ground it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard.

We became pretty sensitive about it. We visited Great Ormond Street Hospital when we were in England to do research and we saw the tremendous need for funds.

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.

Congress shall also create a tax code weighing more than the combined poundage of the largest member of the House and the largest member of the Senate, plus a standard musk ox.