Dave Barry Quotes (185 Quotes)


    I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they dont even invite me.

    The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.

    The greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison.... Edisons first major invention, in 1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was invented.

    If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

    Experts agree that the best type of computer for your individual needs is one that comes on the market about two days after you actually purchase some other computer.


    Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.

    Talking about golf is always boring. (Playing golf can be interesting, but not the part where you try to hit the little ball only the part where you drive the cart.)

    There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

    Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.

    Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information, which is how I got a good job in journalism.

    The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.

    What Women Want To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want Tickets for the world series.

    Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

    If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'

    If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.

    American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.

    And computers are getting smarter all the time scientists tell us that soon they will be able to talk to us. (By they I mean computers I doubt scientists will ever be able to talk to us.)

    If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

    For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.

    Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.

    The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

    What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.

    The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

    Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

    It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

    Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

    Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

    The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.

    We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.

    Like many members of the uncultured, Cheez-It consuming public, I am not good at grasping modern art.

    Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

    I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.

    I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.

    You get people from all walks of life here -- who work in domestic service.

    If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies

    Mother Nature clearly intended for us to get our food from the patty group, which includes hamburgers, fish sticks, and McNuggets- foods that have had all of their organs safely removed.

    The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

    The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.

    If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.

    In those days, most people read newspapers, whereas today, most people do not. What caused this change One big factor, of course, is that people are a lot stupider than they used to be, although we here in the newspaper industry would never say so in print.

    Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements...

    And Ted Koppel comes walking down the aisle. We'd met a few times, so we said hello.

    The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.

    American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference between the mens room and the womens room without having little pictures on the doors.

    Dave Barry, who wrote jokes for Martin's Oscar-hosting gig two years ago, mentioned that he performed his Academy Awards monologue with his fly open. And, ... I think it says something about Steve as a performer, and as a man, that no one noticed.

    It is a good idea to shop around before you settle on a doctor. Ask about the condition of his Mercedes. Ask about the competence of his mechanic. Don't be shy After all, you're paying for it.

    UNIVAC a device, which contained 20,000 vacuum tubes, occupied 1,500 square feet and weighed 40 tons there was also a laptop version weighing 27 tons.

    One day soon the Gillette company will announce the development of a razor that, thanks to a computer microchip, can actually travel ahead in time and shave beard hairs that don't even exist yet.

    Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.

    I believe that's one of the finest action regurgitation scenes in the history of literature. I'd put it right up there.


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