My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
More Quotes from Emo Philips:
My girlfriend said to me in bed last night' 'you're a pervert' I said, 'that's a big word for a girl of nine'.Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.
Emo Philips
The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips
You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.
Emo Philips
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips
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I've always loved jazz.
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I wasn't allowed to go to movies when I was kid; my father was a minister. 101 Dalmatians and King of Kings, that was the extent of it.
Denzel Washington