COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously efficient. This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, Misfortune attend and disaster befall May life be to them a succession of hurts May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, And tapeworms securely their bowels digest May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. --K. Q.
More Quotes from Ambrose Gwinett Bierce:
ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction vilifed hopelessly in the wrong superseded in the consideration and affection of another. To men a man is but a mind. Who cares What face he carries or what form he wears But woman's body is the woman. O, Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, But heed the warning words the sage hath said A woman absent is a woman dead. --Jogo Tyree.Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
LAW, n.Once Law was sitting on the bench, And Mercy knelt a-weeping.Clear out he cried, disordered wench Nor come before me creeping. Upon your knees if you appear,'Tis plain your have no standing here.Then Justice came. His Honor criedYour status --devil seize youAmica curiae, she replied --Friend of the court, so please you.Begone he shouted --there's the door -- I never saw your face before --G.J.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust --to which, doubtless, will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe already noted are catalogued thus The Primary, or lower one, consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, anarchists, snap-dogs and fools.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and more like a goat.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
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I cannot say to a person who suffers injustice, 'Wait.' Perhaps you can. I can't. And having decided that I cannot urge caution I must stand with him.
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Every moment of your life that is not a complete nightmare is happiness.
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Time takes the ugliness and horror out of death and turns it into beauty.
Dodie Smith