Mark Twain Quotes (1103 Quotes)

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.

I knew I should not find in any philosophy a single thought which had not passed through my own head, nor a single thought which had not passed through the heads of millions and millions of men before I was born

He said, 'I've never seen a festival where the whole nation gets behind an event. The Cup astonishes'. We are still thinking the same thing.

It isn't safe to sit in judgment upon another person's illusion when you are not on the inside. While you are thinking it is a dream, he may be knowing it is a planet.

To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals

When a person cannot deceive himself the chances are against his being able to deceive other people.

The main difference between a cat and a lie is that a cat only has nine lives.

When a man is known to have no settled convictions of his own he can't convict other people

Now and then we had a hope that if we lived and were good, God would permit us to be pirates

The country is the real thing, the substantial thing, the eternal thing, it is the thing to watch over and care for and be loyal to institutions are extraneous. . . .

My books are like water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) everybody drinks water.

An experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar.

The law of work does seem utterly unfair but there it is, and nothing can change it the higher the pay in enjoyment the worker gets out of it, the higher shall be his pay in money also.

I'll take Heaven for the climate and Hell for society.

Do not offer a compliment and ask a favor at the same time. A compliment that is charged for is not valuable.

It is a good idea to obey all the rules when you're young just so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop.

Annihilation has no terrors for me, because I have already tried it before I was born -- a hundred million years -- and I have suffered more in an hour, in this life, than I remember to have suffered in the whole hundred million years put together.

When you ascend the hill of prosperity, may you not meet a friend.

Intellectual work is misnamed it is a pleasure, a dissipation, and is its own highest reward.

My books are water those of the great geniuses is wine. Everybody drinks water.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

When one's character begins to fall under suspicion and disfavor, how swift, then, is the work of disintegration and destruction

I reverently believe that the Maker who made us all makes everything in New England but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be raw apprentices in the weather-clerk's factory . . .

Monarchies, aristocracies, and religions are all based upon that large defect in your race -- the individual's distrust of his neighbor, and his desire, for safety's or comfort's sake, to stand well in his neighbor's eye.

Don't say the old lady screamed. Bring her on and let her scream.

We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.

There is no humor in heaven.

A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom, and custom supersedes all other forms of law.

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

Have a place for everything and keep the things somewheres else. That is not advice, it is merely custom.

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.

The art of prophecy is very difficult, especially with respect to the future.

There is nothing sadder than a young pessimist.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Do good when you can, and charge when you think they will stand it

Great enterprises usually promise vastly more than they perform.

My experience with Providence has not been of a nature to give me great confidence in his judgment, and I consider that my wife crept in while his attention was occupied elsewhere.

What a good thing Adam had. When he said a good thing he knew nobody had said it before.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably desirable.

He is now rising from affluence to poverty.

Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do.

To do something, say something, see something, before anybody else -- these are things that confer a pleasure compared with which other pleasures are tame and commonplace, other ecstacies cheap and trivial.

For the majority of us, the past is a regret, the future an experiment

Yesterday, everybody smoked his last cigar, took his last drink and swore his last oath. Today, we are a pious and exemplary community. Thirty days from now, we shall have cast our reformation to the winds and gone to cutting our ancient shortcomings considerably shorter than ever.

It is noble to teach oneself, but still nobler to teach others - and less trouble

Every citizen of the republic ought to consider himself an unofficial policeman, and keep unsalaried watch and ward over the laws and their execution

The elastic heart of youth cannot be compressed into one constrained shape long at a time.

Go and surprise the whole country by doing something right.