Erma Bombeck Quotes (119 Quotes)

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

The suburbs were discovered, quite by accident, one day in the early 1940's by a Welcome Wagon lady who was lost.

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want Adenauer to want the job.

God created man, but I could do better.

Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only thing real men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women, it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Mother's words of wisdom Answer me Don't talk with food in your mouth.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

I do not participate in a sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.