MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
More Quotes from Ambrose Gwinett Bierce:
TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be innocently glened as soon as its occupant is done smellynge, the soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has been greatly dignified.Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.M is for Moses, Who slew the Egyptian. As sweet as a rose is The meekness of Moses. No monument shows his Post-mortem inscription, But M is for Moses Who slew the Egyptian. --The Biographical Alphabet
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
New York is too strenuous for me it gets on my nerves
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
When you are ill make haste to forgive your enemies, for you may recover
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
ABRACADABRA. By Abracadabra we signify An infinite number of things.'Tis the answer to What and How and Why And Whence and Whither --a word whereby The Truth (with the comfort it brings) Is open to all who grope in night, Crying for Wisdom's holy light. Whether the word is a verb or a noun Is knowledge beyond my reach. I only know that 'tis handed down. From sage to sage, From age to age -- An immortal part of speech; Of an ancient man the tale is told That he lived to be ten centuries old, In a cave on a mountain side.(True, he finally died.) The fame of his wisdom filled the land, For his head was bald, and you'll understand His beard was long and white And his eyes uncommonly bright. Philosophers gathered from far and near To sit at his feat and hear and hear, Though he never was heard To utter a word But Abracadabra, abracadab, Abracada, abracad, Abraca, abrac, abra, ab'Twas all he had,'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each Made copious notes of the mystical speech, Which they published next -- A trickle of text In the meadow of commentary. Mighty big books were these, In a number, as leaves of trees In learning, remarkably --very; He's dead, As I said, And the books of the sages have perished, But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. In Abracadabra it solemnly rings, Like an ancient bell that forever swings. O, I love to hear That word make clear Humanity's General Sense of Things. --Jamrach Holobom.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently occurs in combination with the word jod or god, meaning joy. It would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
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Because of her interest and demands, I amplified an average baritone voice into one that is loud and clear.
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Patriotism is a kind of religion; it is the egg from which wars are hatched.
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