There lived a worthy couple once
In good old Birming Town.
Mr. and Mrs. Toots by name,
A better was not found.
But Mrs. Toots had just one fault
For she was auction-mad.
She went to every one that came
And bought out all they had.
Her house was filled with sofas old
That teetered on three legs;
Wash stands on two and chairs on one,
And tables propped on kegs.
When barrels by the score she’d bought
And strewn them round the yard,
Mr. Toots did view his wife
With quite a stern regard.
“My dear, what will become of us
With your great auction craze?”
“I buy but what is useful, Love,”
She said with injured gaze.
“For instance now, a nice wheelchair
I lately got for you.”
“Of what use is that to me pray?”
He cried with heightened hue.
“Oh none at present but you might
Meet with an accident,
And then around the house ’twill be
A handy implement.”
“And so you hope I’ll break my legs?
Look what you got last week.
A doorplate with the name ‘Thompson’
Engraved upon its peak.
‘We may,’ you said, a child yet have
Who may a daughter be.
She may grow up to wed a man
Named Thompson, don’t you see.
And then this plate will handy prove
To have around the house.’
If any Thompson comes by here,
I’ll fling it at the louse!”
“But by the way, my dear, I’ve been
to one big auction, too.
Since you have bought a gift for me,
well, I’ve got one for you.”
“Well, really, Toots, how sweet of you!
What is it, dear?” she said.
“How cozy you will look in it,”
He sighed and shook his head.
“Oh yes, yes, but what is it?”
“It is… a coffin, dear.”
“A coffin! Oh, you brute,” she shrieked.
“Don’t ever bring it here!”
“Of course you won’t need it just now
But one can never tell.
So we will have it right on tap
In case things don’t go well.”
“You’ll be the death of me,” she screamed.
“Oh, will I?” quoth her spouse.
“‘Tis lucky that the coffin then
is handy round the house.”
(Mary Finch)
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Based on Topics: Love Poems, Man Poems, Death & Dying Poems, Name Poems, Charity Poems, Present Poems, Daughters Poems, Accident PoemsBased on Keywords: kegs, implement, sofas, toots, wheelchair, teetered