Art Buchwald Quotes (20 Quotes)

Any company executive who overcharges the government more than 5 million will be fined 50 or have to go to traffic school three nights a week

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

Every time you think television has hit its lowest ebb, a new program comes along to make you wonder where you thought the ebb was.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

People are broad-minded. They'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater, and even a newspaperman, but if a man does not drive, there is something wrong with him.

A bad liver is to a Frenchman what a nervous breakdown is to an American. Everyone has had one and everyone wants to talk about it.

Just when you think there's nothing to write about, Nixon says, 'I am not a crook.' Jimmy Carter says, 'I have lusted after women in my heart.' President Reagan says, 'I have just taken a urinalysis test, and I am not on dope.

The powder is mixed with water and tastes exactly like powder mixed with water.

This is a wonderful way to celebrate an 80th birthday... I wanted to be 65 again, but they wouldn't let me - Homeland Security.

The best things in life aren't things.

Tax reform is taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven't been taxed before.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

I always wanted to get into politics, but I was never light enough to make the team.

So far things are going my way. I am known in the hospice as The Man Who Wouldn't Die. I don't know if this is true or not, but I think some people, not many, are starting to wonder why I'm still around.

I worship the quicksand he walks in.

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

Have you ever seen a candidate talking to a rich person on television?

We seem to be going through a period of nostalgia, and everyone seems to think yesterday was better than today. I don't think it was, and I would advise you not to wait ten years before admitting today was great. If you're hung up on nostalgia, pretend today is yesterday and just go out and have one hell of a time.

I don't know what's coming next and neither does anyone else. It's something that we do have to face but the thing is that a lot of people don't want to face it. And there's denial. If somebody says it, like me, everybody feels a little better that they c

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.