INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary quo given in exchange for a substantial quid.
More Quotes from Ambrose Gwinett Bierce:
FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. The Maker, at Creation's birth, With living things had stocked the earth. From elephants to bats and snails, They all were good, for all were males. But when the Devil came and saw He said By Thine eternal law Of growth, maturity, decay, These all must quickly pass away And leave untenanted the earth Unless Thou dost establish birth -- Then tucked his head beneath his wing To laugh --he had no sleeve --the thing With deviltry did so accord, That he'd suggested to the Lord. The Master pondered this advice, Then shook and threw the fateful dice Wherewith all matters here below Are ordered, and observed the throw Then bent His head in awful state, Confirming the decree of Fate. From every part of earth anew The conscious dust consenting flew, While rivers from their courses rolled To make it plastic for the mould. Enough collected (but no more, For niggard Nature hoards her store) He kneaded it to flexible clay, While Nick unseen threw some away. And then the various forms He cast, Gross organs first and finer last No one at once evolved, but all By even touches grew and small Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, To match all living things He'd made Females, complete in all their parts Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. No matter, Satan cried with speed I'll fetch the very hearts they need -- So flew away and soon brought back The number needed, in a sack. That night earth range with sounds of strife -- Ten million males each had a wife That night sweet Peace her pinions spread O'er Hell --ten million devils dead --G. J.Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace.Twaddle had a hovel, Twiddle had a palace Twaddle said I'll grovel Or he'll think I bear him malice -- A sentiment as novel As a castor on a chalice.Down upon the middle Of his legs fell Twaddle And astonished Mr. Twiddle, Who began to lift his noddle. Feed upon the fiddle- Faddle flummery, unswaddle A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a mockery. --G.J.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
INFERIAE, n. Latin Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for propitation of the Dii Manes, or souls of the dead heroes for the pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the matter might be different and to that I bow --wow.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. --Judibras
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is not accurately known naturalists have never been able to find a living specimen of either. Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell On every wind, indeed, that blows I hear her yell. She screams whenever monarchs meet, And parliaments as well, To bind the chains about her feet And toll her knell. And when the sovereign people cast The votes they cannot spell, Upon the pestilential blast Her clamors swell. For all to whom the power's given To sway or to compel, Among themselves apportion Heaven And give her Hell. --Blary O'Gary.
Ambrose Gwinett Bierce
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He is ready, if the occasion presents itself, to throw the whole English population in the St. Lawrence.
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