As the Kaffir is known by his Wig-Wam
As a Scotsman is known by his thistle
And a man from the West by the hairs on his chest
So – a P’liceman is known by his whistle.
Now I might have been in the navy
But they didn’t want ornaments then
And they wouldn’t take me in the Girl Guides
They only wanted Men.
But I managed to get in the P’lice force
And I don’t think I did wrong
If I hadn’t joined of my own accord
I knew they’d have me before long.
And I’m one for doing my duty
Whoever the woman may be
And there’s no bribing me with a ‘Fiver’
Nothing les than a shilling for me.
One night I saw two navvies fighting
They must have been six foot three
I saw one get hit with a pick-axe
Did I interfere – not me.
They soon left off fighting each other
As soon as they heard me speak
They soon left off fighting each other
But I didn’t ‘come to’ for a week.
A man and wife fighting, last Saturday night
He was going to hit her a ‘Buster’
When I rushed in and took the brick out of his hand
And lent him a knuckle-duster.
The man set his dog on to me, after that
A Sealyham Tripehound Alsatian
But I soon let him see – I said, “You come with me.”
And I took his dog to the Station.
And when they put me on ‘point duty’
I don’t stand for any one’s cheek
I’m the only P.C. in the Boy Scouts
That’s been run over twice in one week.
If I see a motorist coming
‘Bout a hundred miles too fast
I just pull out my notebook and pencil
And stand back until he’s gone past.
Now one night I caught a cat-burglar
And how do I know he was that?
Why, he must have been a cat-burglar
‘Cos I caught him pinching the cat.
Besides, when I spoke he spat at me
He was wearing cat-burglar mittens
Had pads on his feet – he smelt of cats’ meat
And all he was short of was kittens.
I said, “I believe you’re a burglar.”
He said, “Certainly, yes, I know.”
And he made me give him nine cigarette pictures
Before he’d let me go.
I was just going to hand-cuff his trousers
When he said, “You’ve made a mistake.”
So I hit myself on the head with my trucheon
To see if I was awake.
(More seriously)
That night, I had not met the Sergeant
Tho’ I’d looked for him high and low
So I went towards home – for my overcoat
For it was beginning to snow.
I just whistled up at the window
Not wanting to ‘Wake up the house’
And my wife popped her head out – and looked that scared
As if she had seen a mouse.
I said, “Throw my overcoat out, dear.”
And she threw it out into the street
I put it on quick – for the Sergeant
Might catch me off my beat.
Round the corner I met the Inspector
He stared – like he couldn’t believe
He said, “How long have you been a Sergeant?”
Then I noticed three stripes on my sleeve.
Then I thought there was something wrong somehow
So I quickly ‘Turned about’
Nearly got to my house – when who should I see
But the Sergeant – coming out.
I don’t know whether he saw me
If he did – he was a sport
For he never said anything to me
But Blimey – I nearly got caught.
And I thought it was good of the Sergeant
For he might have got me the sack
And I felt that I must give him something
So I gave him his overcoat back.
(Billy Bennett)
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Based on Topics: Man Poems, Night Poems, Past Poems, Woman Poems, Snow Poems, Sports Poems, Error & Mistake Poems, Cats PoemsBased on Keywords: overcoat, burglar, mittens, pads, pinching, notebook, scotsman, inspector, buster, fiver, blimey