Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
More Quotes from Tommy Cooper:Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, What appears to be the problem I said, I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away. He said, How can I help I said break my arms.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
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Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.
Alexander Graham Bell
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David R. Ellis
Innovations never happen as planned.