Woody Allen Quotes (171 Quotes)

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful - provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7', it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

In California, they don't throw garbage away -- they make it into TV shows.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

I am at two with nature.

Some actors like the total freedom Woody gives them, but I like to have some parameters, some structure.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

Recently there has been a lot of controversy between the countries, and I would hope that now the two countries could put all that behind them and start to build on what really has been a great friendship,

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

All the crap that they tell you about ... getting joy, and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years -- it's all tripe, ... I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats.

No one will be petty about this and we can forget about our differences and I will not have to refer to my French fried potatoes as 'freedom fries' and I don't have to freedom kiss my wife when I really want to French kiss her. So let's pull together now.

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Death is an acquired trait.

The baby is fine, the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

I've gained no insight, no mellowing. I would make the same mistakes again.

Of Masturbation- Don't knock it, it's sex with someone you love.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I never think I feel cynical in general. Cynical is reality with an alternate spelling. I feel there's a gigantic amount of injustice and overt crime every day in the world, from emotional crimes to international crimes, and it often carries rewards.

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable with the possible exception of a moose singing Embraceable You in spats.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

My brain Thats my second favourite organ.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it

I think any boycott is wrong, ... Boycotts were exactly what the Germans were doing against the Jews.

I am very attached to this watch. My grandfather sold it to me when he was dying.

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.