Woody Allen Quotes (171 Quotes)

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

My family members are here with me because they're afraid to stay at home. There is no excuse for it. This is just uncalled for. It goes beyond courtesy. It's protection of life.

The only way to be happy is to love to suffer.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

If you'd like to know how to get from the Big Apple to the Big Easy, take Highway Love, and you'll get there.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

My brain it's my second favorite organ.

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to. . . if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I was inside the Statue of Liberty.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe,

Marriage is the death of hope.

I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving dishes for Chinese restaurants

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

We like food, ... This is too much to eat at one time. You'd get sick.

The prison psychiatrist asked me if I thought sex was dirty. I told him only when it's done right.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

The whole country was tied together by radio. We all experienced the same heroes and comedians and singers. They were giants.

That of a musician, but a musician playing in small jazz clubs or alone. I do not give concerts. I come on stage and play with my friends in the band, all of whom are better musicians than me, ... The Curse of the Jade Scorpion.

All people know the same truth our lives consist of how we choose to distort them

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control of your estate

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

What do I dislike about death Must be the hours.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.