It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, You'll drive me to my grave. I had the car out in thirty seconds.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, What appears to be the problem I said, I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away. He said, How can I help I said break my arms.
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
Wild Turkey is my friend. Old friends can meet any time. They're easy together like that. I poured myself a large one and lit a Benny. Brunch.
Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.
So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
© 2020 Inspirational Stories
© 2020 Inspirational Stories