Stephen Colbert Quotes (47 Quotes)

People are constantly saying, 'How's it feel to have such an impact' I just want to be funny. I'm a comedian, not a political thinker. We're changing the world one factual error at a time.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant. One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

He had a wonderful interview with Bono during the Republican National Convention in New York. It made me think twice about Bono.

I'm not a fan of facts. You see, facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

Shamelessness is a wonderful part of the character.

You shouldn't listen to us at all if you're looking for information. We don't take ourselves seriously on any level; we're just comedians.

Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the earth

Jon always said 'The Daily Show' has no political impact, ... We're going to go ahead and pick up that gauntlet and change the world.

Truthiness is what you want the facts to be as opposed to what the facts are. What feels like the right answer as opposed to what reality will support.

an attractive vessel through which the river of truth can flow.

They thought it was warping their children's minds. Which it might have been, but it also took a lot of creativity to play it.

They're all cult of personality, ... People don't come there for news. They come there for that guy's take on it. It's an editorial. Aaron Brown loves the sound of his voice. He sucks the flavor out of every sentence.

Even the weather page is in a state of moral decay. Whats wrong with red, white and blue, USA Today This rainbow weather map is just another example of the homometerological agenda.

And not a moment too soon, figures Colbert (the gifted humorist-performer, that is not the make-believe blowhard who shares the same name). My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned, but an idiot, ... So we said, 'Let's give him a promotion.'

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Lemme just talk to you for a second about something that I think is good for America caramel apples, ... I had one last night. Delicious. Not talking about candy apples. I think candy apples are a danger You crack 'em, they're very sharp. You candy apple crowd need to wake up

I know there are some polls out there saying this man has a 32 approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in reality. And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

When the president decides something on Monday, he still believes it on Wednesday - no matter what happened Tuesday.

These shows are the demon children of the 24-hour cable-news cycle,

It's about bluster and personality, ... Daily Show.

In success, you wouldn't be able to say I'm conservative or liberal. I'm part of the blame-America-last crowd.

We're going to deal with truth on my show.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I used to write things for friends. There was this girl I had a crush on, and she had a teacher she didn't like at school. I had a real crush on her, so almost every day I would write her a little short story where she would kill him in a different way.

I don't think he's necessarily a Republican or Democrat, ... He is part of the Blame America Last' crowd. Mostly, he just wants to get those bastards -- whoever they are. They know who they are, and they know they're going to get gotten.

Jon's his own guy, but it's a gig that says a lot about who you are in the comedy community.

Doctors orders, Doctor love that is.

The show is about me in that when you give opinions, you're saying something about yourself,

I can't prove it, but I can say it.

I don't like books, they're all fact, no heart.

Like O'Reilly, we'll grab the most important word out of every sentence, ... The,' for example. Also, I'll say, I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, Colbert angry.'

Here's how it works the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home.

I want to thank Comedy Central for picking up the show, but more importantly I want to congratulate Comedy Central for picking up the show,

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

He's the master, ... It's admirable. I watch him with my mouth open and think, 'How does he do it' If I could only have a scrap of that. If only I could take all filters off my mouth, it would be so great.

He's definitely the king, ... I have trouble watching his show. It's exhausting.

Scarborough's got the real deal,' meaning here's how it really is,' ... It's always, It's just common sense, folks.'

Now we all know that Fidel Castro dressed up like Marilyn Monroe and gave JFK a case of syphilis so bad it eventually blew out the back of his head.

Would I kill for that neck, ... Geraldo gives you a sense of mission. He seems to change the world with every story. I love the ego. You put those two together, you get this sexy package of manliness and mission. I just love it.

Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

Bush has a real problem on his hands here, John What honor should he bestow on Karl Rove

I don't trust books. They're all fact and no heart.

Truthiness is tearing apart our country, and I don't mean the argument over who came up with the word. I don't know whether it's a new thing, but it's certainly a current thing, in that it doesn't seem to matter what facts are. It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Jon would never talk about Britney's baby, ... But I see it as an example of our Hollywood limousine liberals dropping the ball on family values. Coming from South Carolina ... we don't knock up our pop stars.