Spike Milligan Quotes (39 Quotes)

And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder There is no escape from you The only way out is in

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

My manager, Norma, was trying to get me to write it for at least 10 years and being the reclusive person I am, I wanted people to judge me for what they saw on the television, on the films or on the stage. And what I did apart from that was my own affair. So to write my autobiography was, to me, an anathema.

Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen

To Harry Secombe I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I have for instance among my purchases . . . several original Mona Lisas and all painted (according to the Signature) by the great artist Kodak.

I'm a hero with coward's legs. I'm a hero from the waist up.

It was a scurrilous attack. It was the dark side of Spike. And Norma said to me, Do you want that to happen to you when you're dead' And I said, no.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

Just when I had made my today secure with safe yesterdays I see tomorrow coming with it's pale glass star called hope It shatters on impact And falls like splinters on cruel rain And I see the red oil of life running from my wrists onto tomorrows hea

Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Said the man with the disease, goodbye.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Money can't buy friends but it can get you a better class of enemy

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Contraceptives should be used on all conceivable occasions.

No grief filled my empty space.

When she saw the sign Members only' she thought of him.

It's all in the mind, you know.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.