Phyllis Diller Quotes (49 Quotes)

For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?

Living in Hollywood is like living in a lit cigar butt.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'

He was in the air most of the time ... on the air, in the air, one way or the other. It was his thing and this was his airport.

No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend theyre early, so naturally youre not ready.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.

You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.

Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didnt do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.

If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door greet him with, Who could have done this we have no enemies

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

It's a certain kind of immortality, because those Disney films do go on and on and on.

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.

He was very much at home in the TV studio or on stage live anywhere that is where he really lived. And, you know what, it was never a chore for him. It was never nerve-racking. He was always so completely prepared by his tremendous organization that he had put together,

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.